Approaching The Due Date

Still pregnant, sorry guys. Well actually I'm not sorry for you. I'm pretty much only sorry for me. And Matt. That poor guy hasn't slept in like two weeks.
Before I explain how my last week or so has been I need to put out a little disclaimer:
I am incredibly thankful for the healthy pregnancy I've had, and I KNOW that riding it out until the due date is a great thing for my baby and our situation.
That being said, I think that to be real we need to break pregnancy down to 4 phases instead of three thrimesters. I mean, you can keep the three trimesters and their timelines, but at week 37 or so you need to enter a whole seperate category. Your body and mental state already do, so why don't we have the terminology to match? I'm thinking, "Term: The Torture Phase" or maybe, "Stage 4: Severe Discomfort and Loss of Reasoning" Or maybe just something quick and easy like, ''Pergatory".
Go ahead, laugh. Those that have been there will laugh because they know how true it is. Those that haven't been there (women and men alike) laugh, because one day you WILL be there. And when that day comes you will realize I was right and the days will feel like years.

So, how bad is it really? Oh on a sliding scale of one-to-refugee camp I would rate it somewhere in the middle, right between endless papercuts and eating bad lamb in Afghanistan.
It's not going to kill you, or even cause permanent damage, but boy let me tell you, it is going to get in your head and you most definitely will make a mountain out of a mole hill.
The doctors, websites and apps tell you lots about the last few weeks of pregnancy. They tell you that your baby will drop, that your back will start to hurt, that your cervix will start to dilate and efface and that once you're close you will lose your mucous plug and then contractions will start. They warn you that for first time labor it will take 12-18 hours and for subsequent labors it will average around 6-8 hours. Oh but don't worry, they tell you, the longest part of labor is the beginning. It's painless and most women don't even notice until an hour or so before it's time to go to the hospital!
Did the doctors, websites and apps lie to you? Well, no, not technically. It's more like when you tour an apartment at a complex and they assure you that all of the available floor plans have those spacious closets, open floor plans and great views. They show you how great it can be and fail to mention all of the crappy little details.

I am here to bring you the crappy little details. Not about the apartment- I gave up apartment living years ago, I need to be able to open my windows and doors and get a breeze without seeing a steady flow of weird neighbors I didn't know I had. But the crappy little details about the 4th and final stage of pregnancy: Pergatory.
Your baby will drop. Mine did at 36 weeks. It is exciting and wonderful and you don't even mind the shooting pain that's coming from his head squishing your sciatic nerve! Well, it's like that for a few days at least. Then as you read the articles and they say, "the baby can drop anywhere from a few days to a few weeks before he's born" you realize that you, in fact, could be that horrible case of waddling, nerve pain for a few WEEKS. Ouch.
Your back will start to hurt. Don't worry! They exclaim, There are remedies for backpain and every lady goes through it. It's as easy as standing up straight, using heating pads and not sitting for long periods of time.   Uhhh, I'm sorry but they forget the little caviat about how when you have AT LEAST 12 pounds of baby, placenta, blood and fluid in your mid section and your body is releasing relaxin, your pelvis shifts. Try tying a 15 pound dumbbell to a string that you tie to your belt. Then drink a few coctails (you know because I can't, but I imagine they will make you loosen up a bit). THEN after your back starts killing you, try to realign your pelvis and stand up straight. Is it possible? Yes. But in order to stand up straight you have to contract your lower abdominal muscles and make a concious effort the entire time.
While we're on the topic, let me tell you about contracting your abdominal muscles.
They tell you that labor is X number of hours. They tell you that before that you'll have Braxton-Hicks contractions. They even tell you that although sometimes Braxton-Hicks contractions will get strong and frequent, they have no pattern and they will go away when you change activities/positions etc. What they don't tell you is that sometimes women will start to get real, patterned, unchanging, actual, this-could-be-labor contractions. And SOMETIMES those women will have them for DAYS before those contractions decide to get strong enough for the rest of labor to catch up. That's right, people. Occasionally a woman will start getting contractions that she notices frequently and after she drinks a big glass of water and walks for a bit, then rests for a bit they still don't go away. So naturally, that woman will start to get really excited and think that labor is finally starting! Yay! Then by day two she'll be less excited and mostly just have a sore back and abdomen from non-stop, mild contractions. By day 4 she'll be mad at the world and before you know it, day 6 rolls around and she's writing an unnecessarily long, and spiteful blog post about how contractions are the stupidest thing ever invented.
Spoiler Alert: I don't think day 6 is the day that labor starts, either. Let's all take a moment of silence to send up a little prayer for Day 7. Hell, he can come on days 8, 9 or 10 too. I won't be too picky.

So then the doctors tell you about the mucous plug, painful contractions, water breaking bit. Most doctors give you some nifty little rule about when to come in. I've seen a lot of talk about 4-1-1 (contractions every 4 minutes, lasting a full minute, for over 1 hour). But for those of you in the Army, don't worry. Timing contractions for at least an hour? Ain't nobody got time for that. [[Well unless you're me and you have had approximately 144 hours to time contractions]] In the military hospitals they like to keep it simple. My midwives told me, "once you feel like throttling your husband because of the pain, then you come in". As they like to remind you, "Babies don't just fall out." and They know their stuff, besides who wants to be awkwardly walking the hospital halls when you could still be walking around in your home, distracted by your own things?
Not that I've gotten to the painful part yet. I'm just at that mind numbing wonderful stage where you wait for your cervix to dilate far enough for active labor to begin. Have any of you ever seen the movie Groundhogs Day? Well it's stupid, and I hate it, and I'm currently living it. In case you didn't already get that message loud and clear.

So what now? Well for the labor-inexperienced below you will find a little chart that shows approximately what I'm waiting for.

As you may (or may not) know, women start 0cm dilated. Then around 2-4cm most women will lose their mucous plug. If you don't know what that is, google it. Actually, don't google it. People put pictures of everything online these days and you really don't want to see that. I warned you.

Whether or not you followed my advice, what happens next in nice labors with cooperative babies is this: contractions start, they gradually grow more intense, your water may or may not break, you have time to shower, wrap things up and load up your hospital bag and you're at the hospital in time to get checked in and oh so kindly request the drugs that they offer because your contractions have finally gotten INTENSE.

With less cooperative babies/cervixes/labors (pick whichever is least offensive to you), your contractions will be the same intensity and it will take the doctor sweeping your membranes (again, google it) to get anything accomplished.

Lets just hope my baby/cervix/labor took the hint and is finally willing to get this show on the road!

 

Seriously, because if not I really might lose my sanity. The Lord knows I've already lost my patience and the ability to sleep (sorry again, Matt).

Anybody else have some good tortorous labor stories they'd like to share? That and overly supportive and sympathetic comments are more than welcome. Really, let me know I'm not alone in this.

However comments mentioning having patience, it being worth it, and thinking about the baby, or anything remotely selfless or taking the high road will be swiftly deleted and accompanied by spiteful, angry thoughts and the contemplation of snarky replies.

You've been warned.